5 May 2002 @ 22:34, by Andy Lehman
That’s right, I had a thought today. Go figure, a birthday and a thought on the same day. Usual disclaimer… this is not directed at anyone in particular. It is directed at everyone and at no one, and to the republic for which it stands; any resemblance between this rant and reality is purely coincidental. So don’t feel attacked; it is to my interactions with all of you that I owe such bottomless insights ;). If you can’t stand a bit of forceful language, then you may want to cover your eyes. Now, without further ado, the long awaited thought:
Don’t tell me that if I meditate twice a day and go hang out with my buddies for a few hours it will make my life here tolerable. In fact, I beg you not to make any suggestions as to how I might make this tolerable. I don’t want this illusion to be tolerable. I want to make it so painful that it burns my feet. I want it to burn through all the poisoned conditioning that my parents and schools and TV have put into my head. I want it to be so unbelievably intolerable that I have no choice but to jump out of it. Don’t you dare try to justify all this pointlessness and suffering to me, either. I refuse to resign to it like that. Don’t tell me that’s the way the world is. It is NOT justified. It is not even remotely acceptable, and I won’t tolerate my existence sucking this much. It’ll only be a matter of time.
And another thing… I’ve been told to stay in school as long as possible. Supposedly, it all goes downhill from here. Ok, here’s the thing. If you can honestly convince me that *this* is the top of the hill, and that the only direction to go from here is down, I’m leaving this whole damn plane of existence right now. I’ll tell you how I see it; most people do go down from here, but this is most certainly not the top of the hill. This is like standing on the ocean floor; that’s how low it is. From where I’m standing, I see the Mariana trench of the 40-50 hour work week gaping down, so I can see how it is generally downhill from here. It’s always possible to go lower, it seems. Most people just fall into the trench, even deeper in the sea of illusionary shit. However, there is soooo much above this… there has to be more to the world than this. Not just in terms of me sitting in a corner and contemplating my naval, convincing myself that somehow all this nothing is something and any something that bothers me is actually nothing and that the benevolent energy goddess of Candyland loves me anyway, so why worry when I can be happy about blissful nothingness. Give me a break!!!! There has got to be a real world, tangible and alive, up there somewhere. If there isn’t then Mr(s). Existence and I really need to have a nice, long talk.
What do you think. Too far? I'm pushing the limits of non-self-censoring, so it could very well be. I seriously considered not putting this up. In any case, I’ve got plenty more where this came from.
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