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14 Feb 2004 @ 09:46
Please, don't let this be the story of your child.
By Michael Goodspeed
Goodspeed743@aol.com
2-14-4
Hello. I was a child born in the United States of America in the year 2004, and I talk of this year in the past tense, as every event of my life, from birth to death, was as pre-ordained and scripted as any Hollywood movie.
I speak to you from some time, some place, after my death less than a decade-and-a-half after my birth. One could interpret my posthumous communication to you as a cautionary tale, a warning of troubled times that lie ahead for you and your kind, but as I said, these events of the near-future have already been set. At one time in your short and troubled history, these events may have been foreseen and perhaps avoided, but no more. Too many variables, too many immutable cirumstances, would have to be altered for your fate and mine to appreciably alter. The die has been cast; the future a moral certainty.
My date of birth was January 1, 2004. I was born to two homegrown, red-blooded, working class Americans in their mid-20's.
Here was my life, beginning at ages 1-6: my daily life was a familiar routine. Because both my parents worked, I was taken to day care in the mornings. My care taker had three kids of her own, two of whom beat me up (but not too badly) when she wasn't looking. I spent my days watching cartoons and other "kids' shows" on digital cable, and in the evening, my parents took me home, where I alternated between watching movies on my own Home Entertainment system in my bedroom, and watching Reality TV shows with my parents in the Living Room. (Their favorite was American Idol.) I had a lot of toys, mostly dolls that talked and squirted fluids when you squeezed them, but they were so numerous, I had a hard time distinguishing between them. I didn't really like those toys, but if anyone (especially my sister Caitlin, who was born two years after me)lay a finger on them, I became filled with uncontrollable rage, and hit them. I also had video games that I couldn't really figure out how to play, and two or three "activity" books, like coloring and connect the dots, but I didn't know how to read and my parents never had the time to do them with me, so they lay forgotten in the junk heap that was my closet.
I generally liked to eat foods that I saw on TV; these were mostly sweet breakfast cereals that came in bright colors and interesting shapes. I also liked candies and "play foods" that came in squeezable bottles and cartons. For dinner, my favorite foods were pizza and MacDonalds, and also burritos and hot dogs. For snacks, I liked Doritos and spicy flavored chips, no potatoe chips, though, they didn't have enough flavor. For drinks, I liked mostly Coke, but my parents wanted me to be healthy, so they also made me drink fruit-flavored punches and sodas.
In my backyard, I had a play set, swings and monkey bars, and I also had a tricycle that I liked to ride, and I had SO much fun outdoors, when I was outside and moving around and the sun was shining, I felt more awake, more THERE, but I needed a grown up to go out there with me, and I had a hard time getting my parents to do it. I'd have to beg and beg and sometimes they'd give in, but just as often they'd just get kind of mad, so I pretty much gave up on going outside unless they wanted me to. Also, I felt tired a lot of the time, so it just seemed easier to stay inside.
Around the time that I was 3 or 4, I started feeling mad even when no one was playing with my toys. Of course, if asked, I could not articulate why I felt this way, but for some reason, I felt more alive when I was yelling and screaming and hitting people. It also felt terrible, like the worst hurt in the world, but I couldn't seem to help myself. I mostly just hit Caitlin, but sometimes I'd get so mad that I would hit mom and dad, and I'd get spanked, and HARD. I also felt sad, REALLY sad, sometimes, even when I couldn't think of any particular thing that I was sad about.
At the age of 5, I entered kindergarten, and by the second day, I felt so scared and agitated and confused that I peed my pants and my care-taker came and took me back to her place. My teachers were nice and most of the kids were as frightened as me...but some of them were mean, and called me "fat" and "ugly," and I knew I was pretty chubby, even my mom said so sometimes. I felt scared and sad...but also increasingly MAD, and after a couple of weeks of being literally dragged to school kicking and screaming and crying, I started hitting the other kids, especially the ones who were too small to hit me back.
One day shortly after I'd entered the first grade, my parents drove me to school (an unusual practice for them), and we had a meeting with the principal and my teacher. I sat and listened and heard words that were vaguely familiar because I'd heard my parents say them before: hyperactive, disorder, attention deficit, treatment, and drug. I heard the last word a lot of times towards the middle and end of the meeting, and it made me a little scared, because from TV, I associated the word with something bad. I also heard the word "doctor" more than once, and I definitely know from my regular "check-ups" that this was something to be feared.
So one school day, my parents took me to a "doctor's" office, but this doctor didn't wear a stethoscope or a white robe like the other doctors I'd seen. This one wore a sweater and his doctor's office looked kind of like my living room at home. He mostly talked to my parents, and even talked to me alone for a few minutes, which scared the hell out of me, but at least he didn't give me any shots or put his hand on my thingy. When we were all done talking, he wrote something on a piece of paper for my parents, something he called a "prescription." Then we left, and as a reward, my parents took me to MacDonald's and bought me a Happy Meal.
I started taking hard to swallow pills every morning before school and every evening after school. Of course, like any other child, I did not have the introspective qualities necessary to connect my taking of the pills with my mental, emotional, and physical states. If I did, I surely would have screamed at my parents and my doctors and everyone else who would listen that the pills were actually making me WORSE. My accustomed lethargy and anger and sadness and confusion accentuated by several fold. Sitting in the classroom at school, feeling this heaviness in my head that made it hard to stay awake and impossible to pay attention, dealing with the kids who called me names and hit me even harder than I could hit them, living each day only to go home, where I wasn't really happy but at least felt safe and comfortable watching TV and playing video games and eating my favorite foods...the word "despair" was not in my vocabulary, but it could accurately have been used to describe my state of being.
Even now, speaking to you from a state of bliss and clarity where these issues matter not, I cannot recall with any vividness the years of my life between ages 6-12. The murkiness of my consciousness enveloped not only my brain, but seeped to my very soul. My life was reduced to the certain drudgery of a hellish routine from which there was no escape. I do remember around the age of 7, I began hurting myself to get out of school and gain sympathy from my parents. I would punch myself in the face to get a bloody nose or a black eye, and once even broke my hand in my bedroom with a baseball bat. I would tell my parents that I fell off my bike or fell out of a tree, and even though I was hardly ever outside, they always seemed to buy it. They would take me to a doctor's office, an experience I was actually starting to like, because the people there were nice, it would get me out of school, and my parents would buy me a treat afterwards.
Through all of this, I continued taking the pills, because when I got off them, I still seemed to be bad, maybe even a little worse, and my doctor kept telling my parents that the pills were the right thing. I took those pills right up until the age of 12, the year of my first suicide attempt, which ironically was a deliberate overdose of the very pills I'd been taking for years. After a trip to the emergency room and a good pumping of my stomach, I was hospitalized for three months on the psychiatric ward of a nice hospital. At first I hated the hospital with a fervor, but eventually, I began to like it there so much that I didn't want to leave. I felt safe and special and loved there, and most of all, I was appreciative to be away from the hell-hole that was life in school. After my parents' insurance ran out and they were forced to take me home, I thought of ways to force them to take me back, hurting myself over and over and eventually trying suicide again by gashing my wrists with a broken mirror. But this time, they didn't take me to the nice psychiatric ward I'd enjoyed so much, but to a big and dark and scary looking fortress called a "state hospital."
I languished in the state hospital from the age of 12-and-a-half to thirteen. I often thought of physical escape and escape by suicide...but ultimately, it seemed like too much work. I took my pills which made me drool and made it impossible to think, I took my pills and watched TV and tried to do puzzles, I took my pills and played ping pong with other patients. I guess one day my doctors decided I was "better," because my parents showed up and took me home.
At the age of 13, I returned to school, this time it was "middle school," and somehow I knew that not even a plate of steel armor could protect me from the other kids. I knew I would be different, I knew I didn't look right and couldn't think right, I knew life was going to be hell...but to whom could I complain? I could not have found the words even if someone would listen. I look back in real gratitude for one thing - I had no longer the strength to even think of harming others, only an unquenchable desire to harm myself. I endured for as long as I could; I really believe that. I was not as weak a soul as some might think. I made it half-way to the end of eigth grade, and one day hanged myself in my bedroom with my bedsheet. I didn't leave a note, because I didn't think anyone would be surprised.
Reviewing these events of my sad and oh-so-short life is not fun, but I feel neither bitterness nor resentment towards the people who contributed so greatly to my tragic demise. As the die was cast for me, so it was with them...and so it is for you and yours.
Even now, living in your troubled times when lives such as mine are not out of the ordinary, you are likely associating terms like "aberrant" and "freakish" with my story. You cannot conceive of this day just over the horizon when my story will be neither extreme nor abnormal, but perfectly commonplace. From my perspective, which is unclouded by emotional bias and wishful thinking, I can tell you that you are mistaken. Exactly as I lived, so will a thousand million tortured souls, until those who are called sick and crazy and criminal will outnumber those who are called well. Rest assured, as bad as things may seem to you now, they can and will get worse before they can get better.
So it has always been with this thing you call society, and so it shall be again. I promise. More >
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12 Feb 2004 @ 09:42
This was on CoasttoCoastam.com this morning, again I have to say, the gov is not hideing anything, they just don't talk about it to the public, but again I have to say, it's the 21st century for gods sake, spill it allready. lol.
[link]
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7 Feb 2004 @ 09:17
If this info is true, it's enough reason to revolt.
In re: the rabbit eared looking object that seems to have been removed from the 360 pic by the Opertunity rover on Mars. The cover up has to stop.
Latest Update link to this story: Shows that the Oppertunity rover delibritly ran over the rabbit eared object, you can see it crushed into the rover track. But, I guess it proves that it was just an odd shaped chunk of c02 snow, like all those sphericals you can see all over the soil.
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Here is an updated link so you wont have to scroll to the bottom to find it, if you allready read the original post.
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Links from original post.
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More.
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Even more.
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Then someone noticed this object.
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In this link, the person obviously forgot the rover lander has airbags, and they left bounce marks, so the link below shows an airbag bounce mark, and the lander rolled down hill before they deflated the bags. As well a comment asks why theres no tracks behind the rover, but there are tracks right there in the pic, lol, so this commenter obviously didnt have his glasses on nor did he read any of the press releases about it.
Sorry, it appears the link below was removed, or the info was moved to one of the other links above.
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Still there is enough info to say NASA is covering up what they are finding on Mars. I do agree that the object could be a fulgerite, still the object warrents investigation, and in the newest pics you can see they drove right by it, as well you can see the rover tracks where it kicked its back half over to the right about 8 inches, now do the math, how much range of motion does that translate into at the arm? I'd say 6 feet, so they did look at the object and then dug a trench with the wheel and burried it. The trench digging move was the next thing on the list, they didnt show pics of spirits trench either, because they found that the surface soil is dry, but under it is semi frozen permafrost, Mars is wet, real wet. NASA had a press release up explaining the trench diging thing, and now thats gone too. How dare them!
Some updated comments to the original post.
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Also I found this animation of the microscopic imager, smashing or pressing the soil down to test compaction tendecies of the soil. What you see is very intresting as to the small white spherical objects on the soil. Notice you see them then you see the press mark and all the white things seem to of disappered, or got pressed into the soil. This is not the case, those white spherical objects are basicly balls of dry ice crystals, micro c02 balls, the arm is heated so when it pressed down on the soil, poof, gone, turned to c02 gas. Also notice that 2 of the ice chunks stuck to the plate that pressed the soil, the arm is heated but the chunks stuck to the coldest part of the plate the left edge.
The larger annimation is at the bottom of this link.
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Here see if this works so you don't have to download a large file. :}
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{ More >
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5 Feb 2004 @ 08:37
This is the latest update from Chris. He checks out the bigfoot stories in the northwest in this issue, as well, he got some really good pic's of cave drawings of what the local natives call, "the hairy man" :}
[link] More >
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29 Jan 2004 @ 17:08
This seems very intresting.
By J. D. Cash
The McCurtain Daily Gazette
1-29-4
A convicted neo-Nazi bank robber is expected to name several other suspects in the Oklahoma City bombing when he testifies in the trial of Terry Nichols.
That stunning revelation came after an attorney for Nichols spent 5 hours in prison Tuesday with Peter K. Langan Jr., an inmate serving a life sentence for bank robbery and weapons violations.
In a late night phone call from a federal facility in Jonesville, Va., Langan confirmed to this newspaper that he has been placed on the witness list for the upcoming mass-murder trial of Terry Nichols. That trial is set to begin with jury selection in early March. Nichols is facing 161 counts of first-degree murder as a result of the bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building on April 19, 1995.
In a tape-recorded interview with this newspaper, Langan said Tuesday that he did not want to discuss specific details of his expected testimony in the Nicholsí case, but he did make the stunning admission that he would tie several men to the bombing conspiracy and at least one other crime in which the government has previously alleged Nichols was involved. Members of the legal team representing Nichols are under a gag order and unable to comment on Langanís statements. Langan was a leader of a gang of neo-Nazi bank bandits that robbed at least 22 banks in seven Midwestern states during the mid-90s. Dubbed the Midwestern bank bandits by the FBI, the gang actually called itself the Aryan Republican Army (ARA). The gangís stated goal was the forceful overthrow of the government.
The FBI believes that beginning in January 1994, gang members were responsible for a string of bank robberies intended to finance the violent overthrow of the government through acts of terrorism.
The FBI eventually seized a videotape made by the gang where a plan was discussed to attack a federal building. The FBI later determined that the tape was made in January 1995, just weeks before an explosion ripped open the Oklahoma City federal building in downtown Oklahoma City, killing 168.
Immediately after the tape was made, the FBI says at least four members of the ARA left their ìsafe houseî in Pittsburg, Kan., traveling to Arizona where they disappeared into the desert for several weeks. At this same time, evidence the FBI uncovered shows that Timothy McVeigh returned to Arizona to pick up explosives the government says were stored in Kingman. Other evidence published in the past by this newspaper clearly indicates there are substantial links between members of Langanís gang, Elohim City ñ a paramilitary compound near Muldrow ñ and McVeigh. The government has previously said they investigated any links between McVeigh and persons in Langanís gang and were unable to find concrete evidence that anyone but Nichols and McVeigh were involved in the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing. Briefly explaining the scope of his expected testimony, Langan indicated that he will provide evidence to the jury that will tie McVeigh and the bomb plot to several men with very close connections to the white supremacist enclave called Elohim City. Among those Langan said he would implicate are White Aryan Resistance leader Dennis Mahon; a former paramilitary trainer at Elohim City, Andreas Strassmeir; former Aryan Nations leader Mark Thomas; and former ARA members Michael Brescia and Kevin McCarthy. Mahon is believed to be living in Arizona now. The former KKK leader was the target of an investigation by the Tulsa office of the ATF before and after the bombing.
Evidence collected by ATF informant Carol E. Howe disclosed conversations she says she participated in where Mahon and Strassmeir discussed plans to attack federal installations in Oklahoma. During the Nichols trial in Denver, Colo., Howe testified that she saw McVeigh walking with Strassmeir at Elohim City before the bombing. Bob Ricks, former FBI special agent in charge of the Oklahoma City office, has stated that he intervened with then-U.S. Attorney Steve Lewis of Tulsa and stopped the planned arrest of Strassmeir before the bombing. Ricks has said he hoped to avoid a raid on Elohim City because of expected casualties. Likely to support Langanís testimony in McAlester are FBI records presented at Nicholsí Denver bombing trial that show a phone call was made from a motel room in Arizona before the bombing to Elohim City. The April 5, 1995 call was made seconds after a Ryder Truck rental agency was contacted by phone also. The government has said McVeigh was seeking information on truck sizes when he made the phone call to the truck rental office in Arizona. Days later a Ryder rental truck was rented in central Kansas that delivered the bomb that destroyed the federal building.
While Strassmeir and Mahon have never been charged for any act of terrorism, McCarthy, Brescia and Thomas served short prison sentences for various roles in the ARA crime spree. Each shared close connections to Elohim City at the time of the bombing. Langan is expected to testify that blasting caps and other physical items of evidence seized by the FBI after gang members were arrested would link elements of the ARA to the bombing in Oklahoma, as well as a gun robbery in November 1994, near Hot Springs, Arkansas.
The FBI has alleged that Nichols perpetrated the robbery of gun collector Roger Moore in order to finance the Oklahoma bomb plot. Langan is also expected to testify that members of his gang perpetrated the Arkansas gun robbery, not Nichols.
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Heres a link to an update to the above story.
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