What's REALLY happening?: Life reboot - Part 3: Recognizing the trap    
 Life reboot - Part 3: Recognizing the trap25 comments
31 Oct 2009 @ 15:09

Part 1: Waking up
Part 2: The trap

Have you ever felt like you are dragging yourself through life?

Well, I have. On Mondays I wished it was Friday already. When the weekend finally came I got soon bored and it passed by so quickly I hardly noticed. In the autumn I looked forward the winter holidays, in the winter, I was dreaming about the summer, and when it was summer, I did not even notice it passing by.

Do you have the feeling that your life is stopped by barriers?
I had that often. I felt like I am not yet ready to go – there are obstacles I must overcome or solve first, before I can really create my life. As Father Alfred D Souza expressed it:
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin.” – does it sound familiar?

I was waiting for as sign, something unexpected to happen, a miracle to turn my life around. I imagined and dreamed of all the good stuff I wanted, placed it in the future or in some kind of nirvana that may materialize if I really deserve it. I was unconsciously trying to avoid living in the moment...


Do you often feel tired?
That was how I felt most of the time, and it had nothing to do with sleep. It never happened that I jumped out of bed early, full of energy, even before the alarm went off. In fact I hardly heard the beep-beep, and when I did, I snoozed it many times before I dragged myself out of bed, still tired, having no idea why should I wake up at all?

Before I was very proud of my appearance, but when I fell into the trap of lost purposes, I took less care of my body. My clothes were getting out-dated, as it did not matter anyway – I was sitting at home, withdrawn from the world of action out there.

I did not feel like reaching out to meet new people or reconnecting with old friends. I was living a kind of withdrawn, hermit life. I explained it away, telling myself that I anyway don’t meet those that I really want to meet. I was surrounded by people who did not really understand me in my opinion – I was living in a different world.

If any of these symptoms sound familiar to you, then I can tell you now one thing: you might also have one or more life purposes that you gave up. A purpose you THINK you cannot achieve anymore.

I started to look for entertainment in the form of food, TV, sweets, or whatever addictive stuff, to get a kick out of life. I became an emotional eater, putting on weight slowly but surely, despite all the sports I pursued. I was snacking every evening, nurturing my troubled soul with some sweets or chocolate.

Don’t get me wrong: I think life is something to enjoy – I love fun and entertainment, good food and wine, sex and adventure – and all the great things life can offer.
But I caught myself using some of these things as a substitute, in place of the REAL thing, instead of passionately working on my life purpose.
At one point, I got really suspicious.

I pointed these tough question at myself:
So, what is it, that you originally wanted to accomplish in your life?
What is it you are here for?
And I suddenly remembered my purpose, which I (almost) gave up.

Oh, that was very painful first, when I really started to confront what I’ve set out to do and how far I got, in compare to where I wanted to get.

Now, that is hard to look at, especially when the purpose became occluded, invalidated, given up, and you've subconsciously decided that it CANNOT BE DONE. When you really believe, that the purpose of your life has apparently failed, and so your life also failed.

I admit, I bought the idea that it is impossibly anyway: there are extreme obstacles, insurmountable barriers preventing me from reaching that purpose. My confidence and self esteem was too low, and my fear grew too great to go against all those odds.

But when I suddenly woke up, I started to change my mind. A quote from a Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, also helped:
“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.”
I though – what the heck? I want to live. It is time to live, and it is NOW.

Ok, but those obstacles were still very real. Not only real, but they seemed overwhelming...

I am not saying it is easy.
There is no way out of any trap, if one cannot confront certain barriers.
So I realized that if I were to change, I needed to step out of my perceived comfort zone.
It turned out, that it is not even so uncomfortable as I believed it first – on the contrary, it is a lot more fun, then living imprisoned by my very own mind…

*

In the next chapter I will tell you more about the anatomy of the trap of failed purposes and give you a hint how to get out.

*

Before I leave you with your thoughts, let me complete the quote from Father Alfred D Souza, which also helped me:
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin .

- At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

***
Part 4 coming soon: Why is it a trap?


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25 comments

1 Nov 2009 @ 17:41 by vaxen : A little...
'Obstacle Oriented Programming?' ;) Cool stuff... thanx.
http://twitter.com/vaxen_var  

2 Nov 2009 @ 02:09 by a-d : The clouds in pic
nr one in your article, are not quite as "new" as "you" suggest!... I saw them and took maybe some thirty pics of them in So Cal (MtBaldy) in 2004...maybe early 2005. That was the first time I saw them... and they looked quite un-real and scaaaaaryyyyyy!... Uuuuhhh..still...just thinking about what I saw that one particular day...send chills down my spine!

Love your "confession"!... I sure can relate!.... and THAT is the purpose... maybe, behind us having these odd experiences!...to be able to let others know "Been there,done that" and that the Path IS odd & windy and can be different around "every (so often beyond the next) new corner"!  

2 Nov 2009 @ 12:07 by ariane8008 : Unique path
Thanks for all the feedback and comments! It is encouraging.
I will carry on.

Yes, paths are unique and rather windy sometimes.
But that is what we like ;)

Important is the viewpoint - do you position yourself toward the end of a path, or more at the beginning?  

2 Nov 2009 @ 12:33 by lynda : Thank you
Yes, could have written those very words myself.
I am not now or will I ever be ready to throw in the towel and fully immerse myself in hermitude and Milky Ways but do find myself unwilling to challenge my comfort zone. Being employed and having a roof over my head is more than quite a few people have today. Is that an excuse for not buying an old RV and setting out to complete my purpose? Do I know what it is? Yes and Yes. But I am also a thinking person who knows that the challenge of being homeless is not the place from which I can launch much of anything. More excuses? Maybe. This circular argument with myself has gone on for a few years and I am getting to the point that "____ or get off the pot" is my inner mantra.
I am anxious to read more of your journey.  

3 Nov 2009 @ 09:29 by susannahbe : Thanks for this
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- At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."  

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30 Sep 2016 @ 09:12 by ADGVT4X @39.42.170.183 : www.quester.pk
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11 Nov 2016 @ 07:36 by run 2 @42.113.136.56 : Thank for post
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